Refinement through Affliction

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; 

perplexed but not driven to despair; 

persecuted but not forsaken; 

struck down but not destroyed.  

2 Corinthians 4:8 - 9

"It wasn't supposed to be this way."

"I am not enough."

"I feel like a failure."

"I'm mad at God."

"I'm not sure I'm cut out for this."

"Have I ruined my family?"

"I didn't think I wouldn't like her."

"I'm a horrible person."

"Why has God forsaken me?"

"Did we make a mistake?"

"What is wrong with me?"

"I was not prepared for this."

"I feel so defeated."

"I am never going to be good enough."

"Why did I do this to my family?  We were fine before."

"Is God mad at me?  Is He punishing me for something?"

"I'm at the bottom of the pit."

Oh...my dear, precious friends.  I have said all of these things more than once since bringing Happy home.  As I have prayed that God would deliver you from darkness to light...well, the enemy is working overtime to keep you in the dark pit.  I have heard the above sentiments from so very many of you the past few days.  My heart aches for you.  I'm so sorry.  I wish I could make it all better.  I wish I could deliver a hug and lots of chocolate to each of you personally.  I wish I had the answers you desire.  But I don't.  Well, I CAN answer one question...God has NOT forsaken you!  He hasn't.  I know it may feel that way...I remember feeling that way myself.  But God has NOT abandoned you.  Of this I am sure.

I struggle to find comforting, encouraging words for you.  I remember when I was deep in the pit how angry I got when people would quote scripture to me or tell me God is good.  I wasn't angry with the people...just angry.  I remember crying on my bed with Prince when things were particularly bad.  I remember him telling me, "You know God loves you."  And I snottily replied, "No, I don't know that.  I know He SAYS He loves me.  But I'm sure not feelin' the love at the moment.  Why would He do this to me if He loves me so much?"  Yep.  Not my finest moment.  But now you know.  Anyway, the last thing I wanted to hear some (most) days was that God's plan for me is good.  So, I struggle because most of the things I want to say to you are things you probably already know and don't want to hear right now.  I could type until my fingers fall off and you would likely read my words, nod your head and say, "I know, I know. Blah, blah, blah."  That's what I would do when very loving, well-meaning friends would try to encourage me with scripture. I know it was the BEST thing they could've done for me, but I didn't want to hear it.  I would mentally say, "Talk to the hand!," if you know what I mean.

Friends, I am begging you to hold on.  Don't give up.  FIGHT!!!  Fight for your child.  Fight for your family.  Fight for joy.  Fight for love.  IT WILL BE WORTH IT!  I know it may not seem possible right now.  I KNOW you are hurting and confused.  I know the hopelessness so many of you feel right now.  But, THERE IS HOPE!  There is ALWAYS hope in Christ!  Jesus IS our hope!  (See...are you nodding your head and thinking, "I know, I know..."  Please don't tune me out yet.)

One of the promises God made to me on my way out of the pit was, "I am refining you."  I recently spent some time reading scripture about refinement...

Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction.  Isaiah 48:10

It's interesting to me that refinement comes from time spent in the furnace of affliction.  Affliction.  Psalm 34:19 says, "Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all."  He will deliver you too, my friends.

I'm in a few different post-adoption support groups made up of all sorts of different people and backgrounds.  I was wondering recently how many people struggle after adopting.  I don't know of any actual statistics.  So many people have wonderful, seamless adoptions and it's all sunshine and unicorns from day one.  Others don't.  From my own numbers, based on the groups I'm in, it seems that about 1/3 of us struggle in ways I've discussed here after bringing our children home.  One third.

As I was studying refinement, I came across this...

And I will put this third into the fire, and refine them as one refines silver, and test them as gold is tested. They will call upon my name, and I will answer them. I will say, ‘They are my people’; and they will say, ‘The Lord is my God.’”  Zechariah 13:9

I read it a few times before I realized it says, "this third."  Does this strike anyone else as significant?  It did me.  God purposefully put a third into the fire.  To refine them.  To test them.  His people.  He will answer His people when they call upon His name.  There is purpose in your struggles, friends.  Don't lose trust in God.  He is faithful.  He is trustworthy.  He knows what He's doing.  And He IS with you!  He has NOT forsaken you!  And, dare I say it, His plan for you is good.  (Am I talking to the hand yet?)

I will leave you with this...I am praying this for you all.

In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:6 - 9

Much love,

Darkness to Light

I'm still here, friends.  Still praying for you DAILY.  You are not alone.

One of the many things I love about praying for each of you is how so many of you experience similar things at the same time.  You may not realize it, but somewhere, someone is going through the same things you are with your adopted child(ren)...the same thoughts...the same feelings...the same frustrations...the same joys...the same failures...the same successes...etc.  None of you are alone on this journey.  Remember that.

I am encouraged and most excited to say that God is pulling many of you out of the dark pit and back into the light.  I am rejoicing with you!

And

I am praying for those still in the darkness...the pit.  I am with you in prayer, friends.  Just because I'm out of the pit now doesn't mean I don't vividly remember being there.

I am praying this for you.

He has redeemed my soul from going down into the pit,
and my life shall look upon the light.'
"Behold, God does all these things,
twice, three times, with a man,
to bring back his soul from the pit,
that he may be lighted with the light of life."
Job 33:28 - 30

God has so much to say about light and darkness.  I will be praying the following over you this week.

For you are my lamp, O Lord, and my God lightens my darkness. 2 Samuel 22:29

He uncovers the deeps out of darkness and brings deep darkness to light. Job 12:22

For it is you who light my lamp; the Lord my God lightens my darkness. Psalm 18:28

When I sit in darkness, the Lord will be a light to me. Micah 7:8

Because of the tender mercy of our God, whereby the sunrise shall visit us from on high to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the way of peace.” Luke 1:78:79

But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his MARVELOUS LIGHT. 1 Peter 2:9

AMEN! There is such hope in these verses. And so much love. He will redeem you from the pit. He will turn your darkness to light.

I'm praying today that you will each be lighted with the Light of LIFE!

Praying also Job 29:3 & 5
By His light, I walked through darkness, when the Almighty was yet with me, when my children were all around me.

I know it feels like you're stumbling through darkness right now, but HE is with you, lighting the way! Trust Him! Cling to Him!  Press on through the darkness.  God is with you!

Nothing is Too Hard for God

`Ah, Lord God! It is you who have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and by your outstretched arm! Nothing is too hard for you. You show steadfast love to thousands, O great and mighty God, whose name is the Lord of hosts, great in counsel and mighty in deed, whose eyes are open to all the ways of the children of man. Jeremiah 32:17 - 19

We've had an...interesting...few days with Happy. The time change does not seem to agree with her.  I love that after much prayer and questioning this morning God gave me these verses to pray for you today. I'm specifically focusing on this...NOTHING IS TOO HARD FOR HIM! To those of you who are on my prayer list to pray for you by name, I have your child's name next to yours. Today I am substituting your child's name for the word 'nothing.' Happy is not too difficult for God. Is she too difficult for me? Oh my, hands down YES! She can still be quite the puzzle that we're piecing together. But God, who is great in counsel, has been revealing many things to us the past few days. His eyes are open to all the ways of our children. His timing is perfect.

Your child is not too difficult for God. Just keep reminding yourself of that.  He/she is not too difficult for God. God made the heavens and the earth! His power is GREAT! He knows our child(ren). He knows what they need. Praying for wisdom for each of us and insight into our children's hearts and minds.

Love,

At the End of Your Rope

Weariness and discouragement seem to be running rampant among our community this week.  I'm so sorry, friends.  Although I am not at that place now, I vividly recall being there.  When you're just at the end of your rope.  When you fight back tears every time someone asks you how you're doing.  When it becomes difficult to put a smile on your face.  When you wonder if this (fill in the blank - it's different for each of us) will ever end.  When your child has been demonstrating the same frustrating behavior for months and you've tried everything to no avail.  When you're so frustrated with your child's teacher(s) because they just won't listen to you.  When you're filled with guilt and feeling like you've ruined your family.  The list goes on...

I am praying from Ephesians 3:14 - 21.

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.  Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

If you are coming up empty at the end of a long, exhausting, wearisome, discouraging week, I pray that you would draw upon God's infinite resources.  His strength, His power, His love.  Let Him fill you with all of His person, all of His characteristics, all of His attributes.  I'm praying that we would each be filled with all the fullness of God.  That's quite a lofty thought, isn't it?

He is able, friends.  Able to do more than we can even begin to imagine.

He is able.  And that's enough.

Weary?

"I am weary, O God; I am weary, O God, and worn out."  Proverbs 30:1

I know many of you are weary. Sometimes it's exhausting trying to figure out our new kids. Happy has been home almost 16 months and I'm just now starting to feel like I know her.  I don't know about you, but it seems like I'm always trying to solve a problem. Our minds don't stop. Tantrums, aggressiveness, control issues, grief issues, food issues, poop issues, school issues, sibling issues, attachment issues, not to mention the special needs issues. The list goes on; it never seems to end. And it is tiring! I am still longing for the day that Prince and I don't spend an hour after Happy goes to bed discussing what to do about this or how to help her with that. Will that day ever come? I don't know, but I do know this:

HE will satisfy my weary soul, and EVERY languishing soul HE will replenish.  Jeremiah 31:25

We have each been assigned a 'field', if you will. The harvest may not look too good right now, but Galatians 6:9 says, "Let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we DO NOT GIVE UP."

Our longing for rest, refreshment and renewal is a God-given one that He promises to fulfill.

Today, I am praying 2 Thessalonians 3:13 for you: "As for you, {friends}, do not weary in doing good". 

Remember Jeremiah 31:16 - "Thus says the Lord: “Keep your voice from weeping, and your eyes from tears, for there is a reward for your work, declares the Lord."

(If you find yourself needing more encouragement in your weariness, I highly recommend this book.)

Don't give up, friends!

Love,

Do You Know? Have You Heard?

Isaiah 40:28 - 31
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Tired. Weary. Weak.

Or...

Strength. Power. Hope.

Hope in the Lord, friends. He will renew your strength if you let Him. He will be strong in your weakness if you ask Him. Don't feel like this is all on you.  It's not. It's all on HIM!

Praying for each of you today.  Praying that God will renew your strength. That His power will increase in your weakness.  Praying that you will hope in the Lord.

Love,

Pouring Yourself Out

Have you ever asked God an honest, earnest question and didn't receive an answer for a really long time?

A couple years ago I got stuck in Isaiah 58. I read it over and over sometimes multiple times a day. I couldn't figure out verse 10.

"If you pour yourself out for the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted..." 

Pour yourself out for the hungry. What does that mean? What does that look like? Those were my questions. Other translations say things like "give yourself" and "spend yourself". My big question was HOW do I live this out? What does it look like in real life to spend yourself?

Man...I read Isaiah 58 this morning for the first time in probably 18 months, and I had to choke back sobs. I got my answer. I think if anyone is pouring themselves out, spending themselves, it is adoptive/foster mommas and papas.

Read verses 6 - 12.

6 "Is not THIS the fast that I choose:
to loose the bonds of wickedness,
to undo the straps of the yoke,
to let the oppressed go free,
and to break every yoke?
7 Is it not to share your bread with the hungry
and bring the homeless poor into your house;
when you see the naked, to cover him,
and not to hide yourself from your own flesh?
8 Then shall your light break forth like the dawn,
and your healing shall spring up speedily;
your righteousness shall go before you;
the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard.
9 THEN you shall call, and the Lord will answer;
you shall cry, and he will say, `Here I am.'
If you take away the yoke from your midst,
the pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness,
10 if you pour yourself out for the hungry
and satisfy the desire of the afflicted,
THEN shall your light rise in the darkness
and your gloom be as the noonday.
11 And the Lord will guide you continually
and satisfy your desire in scorched places
and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
like a spring of water,
whose waters do not fail.
12 And your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt;
you shall raise up the foundations of many generations;
you shall be called the repairer of the breach,
the restorer of streets to dwell in.

Do you see it? We have done/are doing verses 6, 7, 9 and 10. We have loosed the bonds of wickedness for our children. We are undoing the straps of their yoke. Let the oppressed go free...our children are oppressed no longer. We have freed them. We are feeding the hungry and we have brought the homeless into our homes and families. We have clothed the naked. And what does it say happens after we've done these things? THEN shall our light break forth like dawn and our healing shall spring up speedily. Many of us need healing. I am praying about that today for each of you (and myself). Righteousness shall go before us and the glory of the Lord will be our rear guard. He is surrounding us, protecting us, guiding us. Then we shall call and cry out and the Lord will answer "Here I am." HE IS WITH US!

Next...if you pour yourself out for the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted...what will happen? THEN your light shall rise in the darkness and your gloom be as the noonday. He will guide you continually. He will satisfy you in the scorched places and make your bones strong. We will be like watered gardens whose water DOES NOT FAIL. Our ancient ruins SHALL BE REBUILT. We will raise up the foundations of many generations. That gave me goosebumps. We will be called repairers and restorers. Wow. I am just in awe this morning.

As you pour yourself out today for your children and families, know that I am praying for you. Praying that all of these promises will soon be fulfilled for each of you. Praying that you will KNOW that He is with you today. Praying for speedy healing. Praying that your light will soon rise in the darkness.  (Notice that it says IN the darkness...not FROM the darkness.) Praying for strength for each of us as we raise up the foundations of many generations.

Love to you all,

I Will (or rather HE Will)

Thus says God, the Lord,

who created the heavens and stretched them out,
who spread out the earth and what comes from it,
who gives breath to the people on it
and spirit to those who walk in it:
"I am the Lord; I have called you in righteousness;
I WILL take you by the hand and (I WILL) keep you;
I will give you as a covenant for the people,
a light for the nations,
to open the eyes that are blind,
to bring out the prisoners from the dungeon,
from the prison those who sit in darkness.
I am the Lord; that is my name;
my glory I give to no other,
nor my praise to carved idols.
Behold, the former things have come to pass,
and new things I now declare;
before they spring forth
I tell you of them."
I WILL lead the blind
in a way that they do not know,
in paths that they have not known
I will guide them.
I WILL turn the darkness before them into light,
the rough places into level ground.
These are the things I do,
and I DO NOT FORSAKE THEM.
Isaiah 42:5-9, 16

I don't know about you, but verse 7 makes me think about our kids...blind, prisoners, sitting in darkness, dungeons. And He has called US to bring them out and open their eyes. We've been obedient. We've answered Him with an enthusiastic YES! And now...we (some of us) struggle. For many months, I felt like God had abandoned me. I felt alone and angry and the longer it went on, the foggier my thoughts became. But read those verses again...HE took me by the hand and kept me. HE led me when I was blind and didn't know the way down this unfamiliar path. HE will continue to turn the darkness I was in into light. HE will level out the rough places. HE DID NOT FORSAKE ME! And He has not forsaken you either! He can't! HE IS THE LORD! I am so confident that God is doing these things for you too. It makes me weepy to think about.

I am praying these verses today for each of you. Praying especially that the former things will pass and that He will now declare NEW things for each of you. New things are coming, friends.

A Season for Everything

Ecclesiastes 3:1 - 8 says:

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

I have been thinking on and praying through these verses for you the past few days.  I guess the change from summer to autumn has me thinking about seasons.  I felt like I was in a blur last fall...my favorite season.  I would try so hard to enjoy the colors of the changing leaves, but it was like I couldn't see them.  Between stress, depression, PTSD, and lots of screaming/tantruming/raging from Happy...I couldn't relax.  At night, as I tried to sleep, I would physically have to push my shoulders down...I was so tense...my shoulders were up close to my ears most of the time.  

I don't know what season you're in with your adopted child.  You may be breaking down.  You may be building up.  You may be weeping.  You may be laughing.  You may be mourning.  You may be dancing.  There is so much truth in each of these verses in regards to adoption.  Read through them slowly, then go back and read them slowly again.  If you're in a season of breaking down, weeping, mourning, etc., remember that another season will come.  You WILL laugh again.  You will dance.  I think (hope) my family is in a healing season right now.  Verse 11 says God has made everything beautiful in its time.  Yes.  He is still doing this in our families.  It just takes time.  Sometimes it takes a LONG time.

Joy WILL come, friends.  If you're in the depths of the pit, I know you probably can't imagine feeling joy again.  I was there not too long ago.  Can I just share with you...the joy I have now is deep.  Yes, I still get grumpy and impatient (often), but I am always aware of the presence of joy.  Hebrews 12:2 says that Jesus endured the cross for the joy that was set before Him.  I have such a new appreciation for this.  The joy I feel now was WORTH the time I spent in the pit.  I would endure our awful first year again knowing the joy that would come from it.  And I appreciate the joy so much more than I did before my time in the pit.  It's a rich joy, if that makes any sense.

Don't give up, friends.  Joy WILL come.  Your season of laughter and dancing and healing and loving...your season of peace will come.  I am praying that it comes quickly for you.

When. Not If

Dear friends, thank you to those who are sharing with me.  My heart aches knowing that so many of you are struggling to love your child(ren).  Know that you are NOT alone!  Please do not give up.

Today I am praying for you from Isaiah 43. Verses 1 - 3:

But now thus says the Lord,
He who created you,
He who formed you,
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
When (not if) you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when (not if) you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

No matter how you feel, if you're like I was a few months ago and it seems like God has abandoned you, HE HASN'T! Verse 4 says that you are precious in His sight, and honored, and He loves you!  God is not caught by surprise by your suffering.  He has called you to this ridiculously hard task, and He has not left you alone to fend for yourself. He is WITH YOU through these rough waters, keeping you afloat. He is WITH YOU through these strong rivers, keeping you from drifting away. He is WITH YOU as you walk through the fire. He is refining each of us. And it is a hard, painful process sometimes. Remember that the flames WILL NOT CONSUME YOU!  Fear not.  The Lord IS with you!

HE HAS THIS!!

Battle

It's so fitting that God has chosen this for me to pray for you today.  This blog went live just over 2 weeks ago.  To say we've had spiritual warfare going on is an understatement.  I knew the enemy was NOT going to like this blog, and I KNEW he was going to attack me/us.  I just didn't how he planned to do it.  Leave it to him to be totally uncreative and use old tactics.

Anyway today I am praying Ephesians 6:10 - 12 for you.

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against  he rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

Our first 6 months home, it seemed like Happy was the enemy and we were constantly at war. I remember that feeling well.  But let me remind you...you are not at war with your child. Your child is not the enemy. The enemy is the enemy, and you are at war with him. The prince of darkness. The father of lies. I know for some, the battle rages during the adoption process.  The enemy wants nothing more than to stop people from adopting.  If he can discourage families early on and get them to give up, then his job is that much easier.  If that is you right now, I can only say PRESS ON!  FIGHT!

But I know many of us struggle in the after.  After the homecoming celebration and after the meals stop coming and after the honeymoon (if you get one).  I remember when I was deep in the pit...I told a friend that it was like Satan was beating me up and I was just too tired to care. Too weary to fight back. I am praying today that God will strengthen each of you and give you the power to fight back. Fight, friends. It's a dark, fierce, spiritual battle and we're in the thick of it. But it IS a battle worth fighting.  I promise.

Thus says the Lord to you, ‘Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed at this great horde, for the battle is not yours but God's. 2 Chronicles 20:15

With us is the Lord our God, to help us and to fight our battles. 2 Chronicles 32:8

Who is this King of glory? The Lord, strong and mighty, the Lord, mighty in battle! Psalm 24:8

The Conclusion

Some people come home after adopting from overseas with a burden to advocate for the children they left behind. They yell and holler to find families for children in dire circumstances. Some people come home and do tremendous things to help raise funds for families in the process of adopting. They host auctions, giveaways, write heart wrenching blog posts, have yard sales, make things to sell, etc. Their burden is inspiring.  The adoption community continually humbles and amazes me.

I came home...and struggled. With the exception of one little boy from Happy's orphanage that we met and loved, I could not bring myself to advocate to find families for children. There were days after coming home that I thought, "I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy." Once families committed to children, it was easier for me to help spread the word about fundraising, and we even donated to several adoption funds. But my experiences with Happy left me unable to ask people to do what we had done...to go through what we went through...to adopt. I just couldn't ask people to do it. Many have asked me if we'll adopt again. My head always answers, "No way!  Not on your life!" but I never actually say that. Because truthfully, I still believe we're supposed to have 5 children. I'm just waiting to see how and when #5 will make his/her way to us. So, instead I usually say, "Now is not a good time to ask me that." (smile)

I've mentioned in previous posts that I am part of an online support group with others who have adopted from Eastern Europe. I love my support group.  I puffy heart love my support group.  Many of us adopted special needs children. God used this group mightily to keep me from spiraling into the abyss.  When one of us is down or having a bad day, we encourage and pray and send virtual love and hugs.  When one of us has a breakthrough with our child, we celebrate and congratulate and praise God together.  When several of us have a bad day at the same time, we commiserate together with chocolate and wine.  I love this group.  They are part of my family now, and I would do just about anything for any of them.  When I began to share my struggles, I learned that I am not the only one who is struggling to bond and attach to their new child. I learned that I am not alone in this. I learned that others were struggling even more than I was. And I became burdened. In March God laid it upon my heart to begin praying daily for moms (and dads) who are struggling with their adopted child. I shared this burden with the group and told them to let me know if I could pray for them by name. Within a few months I had over 40 women (and 2 men) on my prayer list. There were only 120 in this particular group at the time. And I had a feeling there were more who were struggling but were afraid to admit it.

Besides my online support group, I have also been blessed with an amazing 'in real life' support system. Our church, though small, has a huge heart for orphan care and adoption. There are six women who have really been there for me as I have stumbled along this post-adoption journey. Three of them have experience with adoption and respite care, and they truly get the hard.  The other three just know me well enough to see through my fake smiles.  How I pray that each of you has at least one friend that you can be real with and share your hard.  I have confided in these ladies, cried on their shoulders (many times), complained to them, and shared some of my darkest moments with them. These women have listened and cried with me. They have loved me when I felt like the most unlovable person in the world. They have held me up with prayer, encouragement, unconditional friendship and many, many meals.  I really don't think I would've made it this far if God had not placed these women in my path.  They were my Aaron and Hur (see Exodus 17:12).  When I grew weary, they stood beside me and held me up.  I hope that each of these women knows how much they mean to me.  I hope they know how God used them, and continues to use them, in my life.

Sadly, I know that what I have is rare.  I know there are many out there who are struggling the way I have and are without a support system.  You are why this blog came to be.  You are where my mind travels to countless times a day.  You are who I pray for.  You are who I'm burdened for.  You are who the Lord has placed on my heart and mind.  If you have found your way to this blog, YOU are my conclusion.  And you are not alone.  Not ever.

And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.  Matthew 28:20

The Falling Action

If you haven't read The Climax, that leads into this.

So after all of that, I knew without a doubt that God wanted me to contribute something to the post adoption community.  As I prayed through what exactly I should do, a few ideas came to my mind.  The first was to write an adoption devotional. It's actually something that's been on my heart for almost two years.  I decided to set aside a day to seriously fast and pray and seek God's will about this specific question.  Should I write an adoption devotional?  Was that what He was telling me to do?  That very day, my friend Beth from Hope at Home, posted a link on Facebook.  Her link was to 31 Nuggets of Hope written by my new friend Shelly Roberts.  31 Nuggets of Hope is an adoption devotional!!  I haven't received my copy yet, but I cannot wait to read it!  If you have not "Liked" 31 Nuggets of Hope or Hope at Home on Facebook, please get connected with these two wonderful post adoption resources.  I also discovered that another adoption devotional will be available in December from Empowered to Connect.  I think it will be a perfect stocking stuffer, don't you?  I am SO very excited and thankful that others are realizing and meeting this need!

So, I felt pretty strongly that God had closed the door on writing the devotional.  I wasn't upset or anything.  I was very thankful for His leading and guidance.  I was even more thankful that I got to meet Shelly Roberts, attend her class AND have lunch with her at the Together for Adoption conference.  Shelly is real.  And she gets our post adoption struggles.

But I still knew I was supposed to do something.  At least I thought I knew I was supposed to do something.  I knew I was supposed to pray every day for struggling adoptive parents.  I had already been doing that for months.  But I also knew there were probably many more struggling adoptive parents out there besides the ones in my online support group.  How could I let those parents know they are not alone?  How could I tell them someone was praying for them every day?  Did I even need to?  Should I just pray and let that be that?   I knew the answer was that there was more to be done.  Even now, I don't think this blog is it.  But that's for later.

I was finally beginning to see that my struggles with Happy are a gift. My pastor preached an amazing sermon last month. I've listened to it several times already. I told him that day that he summed up my life the past 13 months in less than an hour. One thing that he said that really resonated with me was how we doubt the goodness of the Father. We don't believe that what He has given us is good. We complain about our struggles instead of seeing them as gifts. We don't like the gift, therefore we don't believe the Father. We buy into Satan's lies and doubt the goodness of the Father. We don't see how He is working the struggles and suffering for good, so we doubt and we complain. I did this all year. I have doubted. I have cried. I have complained. I have cried. I have questioned. I have cried. BUT, I finally began to see how this past year truly is a gift from God. I knew God was showing me how He will use this ridiculous past year for His good. For His glory. To minister to others.

The idea of this blog came to me and I began to pray about it.  I asked God several times if this is what I should do.  One day I was alone in Prince's car for almost an hour. Normally when I'm alone in the car, I blast the radio and sing until I'm hoarse. Well, Prince's radio was not working (just add it to the list). So, instead of singing I began praying. Mostly about where God was leading and what exactly He wanted me to do.  Was He REALLY asking me to share my story?  Publicly?  On a blog?  Where the whole world could read it?  That very day, I came home to the following message from a friend in my support group.  I was absolutely blown away by what she shared.  I hope you are too.

"Sometimes we wonder WHY? WHY did God pull a “bait and switch” on us and leave us reeling as our children struggle with diagnoses of which we were unaware, and behaviors we cannot explain, and issues we cannot decipher let alone parent...

We said we would travel across the ocean. We raised a lot of money, sacrificing our pride and sometimes our credit rating. We left our other children at home. We lost friends, alienated family, and left many in our churches and schools thinking we were “out there” for what we were choosing to take on. Wasn’t that enough for God? Wasn’t it enough that we went THAT FAR out of our comfort zones? Couldn’t the drama (PLEASE) end with Gotcha Day and the rainbows and sunshine commence as we carried our precious babies out of their orphanages for the last time?

For weeks I’ve been meaning to send a message to Amy – the struggles she has had with [Happy] – despite the signs, the unquestionable affirmations from God that THIS child was meant for HER family – and yet here Amy is, a year later, struggling to bond, feeling defeated. I was going to send her a message privately – but today I was convinced I needed to post it here instead.

Raise your hand if Amy has ministered to you in the year since [Happy] has come home...

In Amy’s case, I believe THIS is why she has been asked to struggle so. God gave Amy an incredible burden so that WE could be blessed with Amy’s amazing gift. And just like she said YES to God’s will regarding [Happy], Amy said YES when she was prompted to minister to so many of us in our struggles. 

(I mean, think about it, Amy – if you had gotten the “rainbows and sunshine” story – would you have been able to lift up any of us who struggled with tantrums, control issues, children with irrational fears, etc.? I mean, I know you, I know you would have prayed for us – you are that kind of friend – but I’m talking the LIFTING UP, the UNCEASING PRAYER, the COMPLETE AND TOTAL UNDERSTANDING AND EMPATHY.)

Without Amy’s struggles, without Amy’s cross, so many of us would have faced a much lonelier road." 

Um...is that not confirming?  Did you all hear God's YES as you read that?  Well, I heard His YES.  He answered YES to all of my above questions.  I do not believe it's a coincidence that my friend meant to share this with me for weeks...but didn't until the very day I specifically asked God about this blog.  I wish I could tell you all the other little ways that God has confirmed this blog to me.  He has spoken to me through so many different people, it's just been amazing.  Sharing what I have so far has NOT been easy.  After I posted The Rising Action, I felt waves of panic throughout the day.  I kept thinking, "OHMYGOODNESSWHATHAVEIDONE?!"  I wanted to throw up.  But I received so many encouraging, confirming messages that day.  I was overwhelmed with His peace.

I have one more post to share with you about my story...The Conclusion...and then I'll get to the heart and purpose of this blog.  Sharing my prayers with you.  I cannot wait to see and hear how God works in the lives of your children and families!  I hope you're excited too...it's going to be GOOD!  But don't take my word for it...

And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints, according to the will of God.  And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.  Romans 8:27 - 28

 

Monday's Music

I heard from so many of you this past week who are feeling like God has abandoned you on this journey.  Oh friends, I remember so well those thoughts and feelings.  I wish so desperately that I could hug you and cry with you.  If I could, I would hand you a box of Kleenex and a big bag of M & M's.  I would look you straight in the eye and tell you that you. are. not. alone.  Please, please, PLEASE hear me.  You are NOT alone.  Ever.  Please listen to this song today.  If you're like me when I was in the pit, I know you don't want to hear it right now.  I know you don't believe it.  But PLEASE play this song. Listen to the words.  Not for a moment, friends.  Not for a moment did He forsake you.

It is the Lord who goes before you.  He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you.  Do not fear or be dismayed.  Deuteronomy 31:8

For the Lord will not forsake His people; He will not abandon His heritage.  Psalm 94:14

And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know, in paths that they have not known I will guide them.  I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground.  These are the things I do,  and I do not forsake them.  Isaiah 42:16

 

The Climax

If you have not read the Setting the Stage and The Rising Action posts, please do.  This will make more sense if you start there.

I was clearly not through the worst of it.

Not by a long shot.

The pit would consume me once again.

As we approached our one year anniversary home with Happy, like many adoptive parents do, I read through our family blog and reminisced of our time in Eastern Europe.  I laughed at some memories and cried with others.  I remembered certain things that I purposefully did not share on the blog.  You know, the real things.  I did feel the darkness begin to envelope me as I read over the blog, but I did not connect the two.  I began to really hate my life. I cried all the time. The thought of doing one more thing completely stressed me out. I would wake up at 2 or 3 every morning and not be able to go back to sleep. This had been going on for months.  I was exhausted.  I was so tense. All the time. My smile and laughter were forced. I had no joy and felt no peace. My thoughts began to scare me, especially during PMS. Happy's one year home anniversary triggered many bad, ugly, dark thoughts and feelings for me. Very, very bad, irrational, scary thoughts. They scared the dickens out of me. I knew I needed help. I knew it was beyond depression. A friend of mine sent me a message and asked if she could put a friend of hers in touch with me about adopting from the same country we adopted Happy from. I actually told my friend 'no' because all I wanted to tell her friend was 'DON'T DO IT! It will ruin your life and family!'

Anyhow, I finally saw a professional, cried my eyeballs out with her, answered a gazillion questions and was diagnosed with PTSD. I do not doubt the diagnosis at all, but admittedly I am still having a hard time with it. I'm embarrassed that a 6 year old brought me to this. I'm almost ashamed, which is probably why I've only told a handful of people up until now. But the fact is, our first 6 - 8 months home with Happy were hell on earth. Several times a week for sometimes several hours at a time, Happy would hit me, bite me, scratch me, pull my hair, SCREAM, etc. I hate to call it abuse because she was a traumatized kid and I know her intent was not to abuse me in an abuser kind of way...does that make sense? HOWEVER, if I had done those things to her, it would be called abuse. So, she did these things to me and I was supposed to love her. I had to take care of her...make her meals, bathe her, take her to her many appts., stretch her, etc. I was supposed to care about this little girl. And I didn't. I did these things because I knew I was supposed to. I had no other motivation. Inside, I just wanted Happy to go away.  I think there is nothing more humbling than having to take care of the person who abuses you. Well, actually, there is nothing more humbling than collecting poop samples from the one who abuses you.  (Can anyone relate?)  I resented Happy and her being here.  My three big kids were hiding out downstairs in the boys room more and more to avoid listening to the screaming.  I feel like I hardly saw them those first 8 months.  I missed them terribly.  And they missed me.  I'm sure that made me resent Happy even more.

Enter antidepressants.  I was hesitant to go on the antidepressants after a bad experience about 10 years ago, but my doctor gave me something different. She prescribed Celexa and it has changed my life. Truly. We spent a few weeks adjusting and figuring out the right dosage, and I could feel myself coming back.  I am ME again.  But a much more humble, thankful, JOYful me.  I can't wait to get to my next few posts and share about everything God has done for me in the past few months.  I can honestly, wholeheartedly say that the joy I have now is completely worth the suffering it took to get here.  I want you all to hear that.  Especially if you're still in the pit right now.  The suffering was for my good.  My suffering brought about GREAT joy.  It was worth it.  Just saying that makes giant tears roll down my cheeks.  It was worth it.

It was worth it.  The suffering for the joy.  It will be worth it for you, too, friends.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.  Romans 8:18

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you. 1 Peter 5:10

So, let me say, if you don't feel like yourself anymore, if you're having dark thoughts, PLEASE see your doctor or some type of professional...counselor, psychiatrist, social worker...someone.  Post Adoption Depression and PTSD are more common than people realize.  I am convinced of this.  Know that there is HOPE.  Know that you are NOT alone in this.  Know that I am praying for you.

 

The Rising Action

....So anyway, in January of this year, a very good friend of mine invited me to do a Bible study with her and a few other people through the book of Ephesians. I reluctantly agreed.  It was the BEST thing for me at that time. I learned so much. And somewhere along the way, my hardened heart softened and my love for God was renewed.

I was going through my notes recently and was kind of wowed about something I had written down. "If I am forgiven and have any measure of victory over sin in my life, I will be amazed at the power of God, ONLY IF I KNOW the indescribable depth and power of sin. Perhaps You have allowed the trials of the last 6 months so I will truly know the power of sin AND so I will truly KNOW Your immeasurable power." Here's my thought…what if God chose those of us who are really struggling for a wonderful purpose? We all know the power of sin SO well. I do, anyway. I was drowning in sin. If we TRULY KNOW the depth and power of sin (which I learned too well during our first 8 months home with Happy), how much MORE AMAZING is His POWER to save us! How much MORE WONDERFUL is His grace and forgiveness! Oh, I'm not doing this thought justice. Bear with me. It's like, because we are suffering in this way, we are closer to God's heart. If anyone understands the suffering, it is Him. (I am not trying to say that those of you who are NOT struggling are not close to God's heart…just that He uses different situations to get us there.)

I've gotta tell you, back in March I truly hit rock bottom. I just cried and cried. And then I got sick. Prince was out of town and I got a stomach bug. I can't even remember the last time I was so sick. Oh, I was miserable. And I was having those thoughts of being done with Happy and wanting to give her away. I just wanted to quit at everything. I KNOW lots of people were praying for me. Then I wrote a few blog posts about some issues with Happy and asked for input from my readers. That led Prince and I to many answers and we had a HUGE turnaround weekend with Happy. It was huge. I mean, huge. I wish I could explain the difference adequately. She was a new child. So, then we had several weeks that were pretty wonderful and full of bliss.  I was so incredibly thankful for each good day that we had.

So, one day still back in March, I was working on another Bible study and read Luke 22:31-32. I started bawling. It was sort of a promise, encouragement and mission all in one. I truly believed I was through the worst part of the struggle.

"Simon, Simon, behold, Satan demanded to have you, that he might sift you like wheat, but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers."

Satan demanded to have you…
Sift you like wheat…
Your faith may not fail…
When you have turned back…
STRENGTHEN YOUR SISTERS! (Okay, it says brothers, but sisters fits better for this.)

Man...I felt one with these verses. I DID feel like Satan had me. I really had not felt like myself for at least 6 months…until that day in March.

Sift you like wheat...yes, that's exactly what my experience felt like. I like how John Piper put it: "We can imagine a picture like this: Satan has a big sieve with jagged-edged wires forming a mesh with holes shaped like faithless men and women. What he aims to do is throw people into this sieve and shake them around over these jagged edges until they are so torn and weak and desperate that they let go of their faith and fall through the sieve as faithless people, right into Satan's company."

Torn and weak and desperate...yep, that was me.
Are you in the sieve right now?

Piper goes on to say: "Faith cannot fall through the mesh. It's the wrong shape. And so as long as the believers hold to their faith, trusting the power and goodness of God for their hope, then they will not fall through the mesh into Satan's hands. IT IS SATAN'S GOAL TO DESTROY OUR FAITH. If he can do it by suffering, he will try that…"

Friends, the enemy is trying to destroy your faith. HOLD ON!! FIGHT!! One thing God specifically told me several months ago is that joy WILL come. I believe He wants you to know that too.

Your faith may not fail...someone asked me one day how I have maintained my faith through all of this. Well, read those verses again. It's Jesus talking. "He prayed for (me) that (my) faith may not fail." No other reason is needed. Is that not hopeful?! He is praying for you!

When you have turned back...I'm not sure when I really did turn back to God. The first few days of the Ephesians study were hard for me to swallow. I was at the point where I would read my Bible as a bunch of threats instead of beautiful promises. It was hard to accept that God and His plan for me were good. It didn't seem that way to me.

Strengthen your sisters...hence, this blog. I am so burdened for those of you who I KNOW are suffering the way I did. And for those that I don't know about, because I'm pretty sure there are more. I am burdened for you. I want you to know that I am standing in the gap and praying for you. There were many, many months that I only had the energy to pray, "Lord, HELP!" Sometimes it was just, "Lord!" I know you are tired and so weary. I am praying. You are on my mind and heavy on my heart.

Stay tuned...what happened next was hard.  And good.

 

Setting the Stage

I thought would spend a few days telling my story so you can get to know me a bit...feel free to browse around and check out my pages.

We brought Happy home from Eastern Europe in July 2011.  It was supposed to be Happily Ever After from then on...right? All sunshine and rainbows as we ran through a field together holding hands, with joy and laughter upon our faces and in our hearts?  Right? Because that's how every fairy tale ends, right?

Wrong.  Well, not in our case anyway.  Of course, our story is far from over.
I do believe our Happily Ever After is on the horizon.  Finally!

Happy raged when we first came home.  Well, she raged when we were still in Eastern Europe waiting to come home. Screaming, hitting, biting, scratching, pulling hair, throwing furniture. Thankfully she has CP and couldn't kick or I'm sure that would be in her repertoire as well. She used to pull out handfuls of my hair. I cried the first time she did it, not because of the pain, but because my hair is so thin anyway… and she pulled out a big ol' chunk.  When we got home, Happy still raged, though not nearly as frequently. In EE, she was raging 6 – 8 times a day. When we finally got home, it was every few days...but sometimes for hours at a time. An improvement, yes, but still…I felt like a punching bag.

The first 8 months home were the hardest of my entire life. Hands down, no questions, no doubts.  Happy brought things out in me that I never knew existed. Before we came home, I never dreamed that I wouldn't love Happy. Or that I wouldn't even like her. It made me sick to my stomach to hug her. I would almost choke on the words, "I love you, Happy." Needless to say, bonding with and attaching to Happy has not been easy.  There are MANY books and resources out there about how to help your child attach to you.  There's not much information about what to do if you don't like your child.

Back in March, when I was in the depths of the pit and depressed beyond measure, I told Prince that I felt like I lived with the enemy. And I had to take care of her and make her meals and give her baths and take her to all of her weekly appts., and pretend to care. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to run away in those first 8 months.  I desperately wanted to find a new family for Happy.  Desperately.

Now, I need to add here that my (first) downfall came right before we started to have a turnaround with Happy.  It came out of the blue one day as I was stretching Happy.  I discovered that she thought I had given birth to her, left her in Eastern Europe, and came back 6 years later to get her and bring her home. NO WONDER she had so much rage!

I was angry with God. Very, very angry. Very, very bitter.  I felt like He had completely betrayed me and my family. I asked Him many, many times a day 'WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO MY FAMILY?! What did I do to deserve this??' I felt like He was punishing me for something. Yet I knew that couldn't be true because His Word says that children are a REWARD…not a consequence. I hardened my heart towards God and I could feel it. I didn't like it, but at the same time I couldn't help it. I didn't want to help it. I felt I had the right to be angry at Him. I mean, look at what He did to me and my family. And He says He loves me? WHATEVER! That was my attitude. What. Ever.

Now, perhaps some of you have not experienced what I'm sharing about. You may be tempted to judge and think or say awful things to or about me. Believe me, I've probably said to myself every rotten thing you're thinking. I've been appalled with myself. I ask you to chalk it up to something you just don't understand. AND BE THANKFUL that you don't understand this. I know for a fact that I am not the only one who is struggling with these thoughts and feelings. It's to those who get it that I am writing.

I promise I have a point and something encouraging to share. There is so much more I could share about the struggles, but I want to keep the bad part short so I can get to the good part. First I wanted you to know I GET IT. I get how hard it is and the desire to throw in the towel. I get the struggle and the guilt that goes along with all of it. I get the feelings of being ill-equipped for this enormous task. I get the hardship and suffering. The suffering. I was suffering big time. Ironically, my complete meltdown came shortly after listening to a sermon about suffering for the cause of Christ.

To be continued...