I was clearly not through the worst of it.
Not by a long shot.
The pit would consume me once again.
As we approached our one year anniversary home with Happy, like many adoptive parents do, I read through our family blog and reminisced of our time in Eastern Europe. I laughed at some memories and cried with others. I remembered certain things that I purposefully did not share on the blog. You know, the real things. I did feel the darkness begin to envelope me as I read over the blog, but I did not connect the two. I began to really hate my life. I cried all the time. The thought of doing one more thing completely stressed me out. I would wake up at 2 or 3 every morning and not be able to go back to sleep. This had been going on for months. I was exhausted. I was so tense. All the time. My smile and laughter were forced. I had no joy and felt no peace. My thoughts began to scare me, especially during PMS. Happy's one year home anniversary triggered many bad, ugly, dark thoughts and feelings for me. Very, very bad, irrational, scary thoughts. They scared the dickens out of me. I knew I needed help. I knew it was beyond depression. A friend of mine sent me a message and asked if she could put a friend of hers in touch with me about adopting from the same country we adopted Happy from. I actually told my friend 'no' because all I wanted to tell her friend was 'DON'T DO IT! It will ruin your life and family!'
Anyhow, I finally saw a professional, cried my eyeballs out with her, answered a gazillion questions and was diagnosed with PTSD. I do not doubt the diagnosis at all, but admittedly I am still having a hard time with it. I'm embarrassed that a 6 year old brought me to this. I'm almost ashamed, which is probably why I've only told a handful of people up until now. But the fact is, our first 6 - 8 months home with Happy were hell on earth. Several times a week for sometimes several hours at a time, Happy would hit me, bite me, scratch me, pull my hair, SCREAM, etc. I hate to call it abuse because she was a traumatized kid and I know her intent was not to abuse me in an abuser kind of way...does that make sense? HOWEVER, if I had done those things to her, it would be called abuse. So, she did these things to me and I was supposed to love her. I had to take care of her...make her meals, bathe her, take her to her many appts., stretch her, etc. I was supposed to care about this little girl. And I didn't. I did these things because I knew I was supposed to. I had no other motivation. Inside, I just wanted Happy to go away. I think there is nothing more humbling than having to take care of the person who abuses you. Well, actually, there is nothing more humbling than collecting poop samples from the one who abuses you. (Can anyone relate?) I resented Happy and her being here. My three big kids were hiding out downstairs in the boys room more and more to avoid listening to the screaming. I feel like I hardly saw them those first 8 months. I missed them terribly. And they missed me. I'm sure that made me resent Happy even more.
Enter antidepressants. I was hesitant to go on the antidepressants after a bad experience about 10 years ago, but my doctor gave me something different. She prescribed Celexa and it has changed my life. Truly. We spent a few weeks adjusting and figuring out the right dosage, and I could feel myself coming back. I am ME again. But a much more humble, thankful, JOYful me. I can't wait to get to my next few posts and share about everything God has done for me in the past few months. I can honestly, wholeheartedly say that the joy I have now is completely worth the suffering it took to get here. I want you all to hear that. Especially if you're still in the pit right now. The suffering was for my good. My suffering brought about GREAT joy. It was worth it. Just saying that makes giant tears roll down my cheeks. It was worth it.
It was worth it. The suffering for the joy. It will be worth it for you, too, friends.
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. Romans 8:18
And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you. 1 Peter 5:10
So, let me say, if you don't feel like yourself anymore, if you're having dark thoughts, PLEASE see your doctor or some type of professional...counselor, psychiatrist, social worker...someone. Post Adoption Depression and PTSD are more common than people realize. I am convinced of this. Know that there is HOPE. Know that you are NOT alone in this. Know that I am praying for you.
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