Expectations

Expectations for First-Time Adopting Families

Let's talk about expectations.  I have been saying all along that I think I would have been much better off had I been better prepared for Happy's...issues.  If someone had sat me down and said, "Okay Amy, your honeymoon with Happy is only going to last about 20 minutes.  Enjoy it while it lasts.  After that, all heck will break loose and there will be much screaming and violence for the next several months."  Obviously, no one could have predicted just what Happy's reaction was going to be.  Yes, I know that.  But one thing I really desire to see is better, more relevant training going on for parents in the process of adopting.  I think too many of us feel VERY overwhelmed once we're home. The tactics and techniques presented in the books just don't work with every child (Happy is Exhibit A).  What then?  Prince and I felt completely inadequate and blindsided when we busted Happy out of her orphanage and the raging began.  We were NOT expecting that!

Keep in mind that my experience is with adopting a 6 year old from an orphanage overseas...not an infant.  I don't know what kind of training parents receive to adopt domestically or from foster care, but I would imagine it's pretty similar.  The problem with training and books, I guess, is that there's just no way to know.  There's no way to predict how your child will react to coming home and being part of a family.  Just as there's no way to predict how you will react to your child's behaviors and controlling ways.  Especially when they continue for months and you wonder (fear) if this is how life will always be.  There's no one-size-fits-all for every adoption scenario.  What works for me may not for work you, and vice versa.  There's no way to predict the anger and frustration you may feel towards your child...and let me tell you, these are very common emotions for adoptive parents.  There's no way to predict the chaos that will ensue in the most peaceful of families.

I'm working on another page about what I would do differently in hindsight to prepare myself and family for what we were about to do.  I'm not sure now if the problem was really that we weren't prepared.  Well, that IS a large part of it.  Definitely.  But I think the main thing that led to my struggles in particular is that my expectations were not realistic.  Sure, I KNEW it was going to be hard.  Any adopting family knows that it's not going to be easy. But as I've said before, knowing it and living it day in and day out are very different things.  I've re-read a few of my adoption books recently and let me tell you, it's WAY different reading them AFTER you've adopted than beforehand.  Way, way different. Of the four that I've re-read, I can now finally relate to and understand some of it.  Much of it, though, is not relevant to Happy and our situation, and I'm finding the advice given to be most unhelpful.  But, I know others who LOVE particular books that I would rather chuck out the window.  I guess that's my point above.  You can read and train and read and train, but until you get your child home and know exactly what you're dealing with and what techniques work, you're just kind of spinning your wheels.

One of the books I'm re-reading now is Wounded Children Healing Homes.  I started reading it about two years ago when we were in the process of adopting a teen girl from Eastern Europe.  It is my favorite adoption book so far.  I haven't finished it yet, but I have identified with just about everything in it so far.  I WISH I had read this book right before bringing Happy home with the realization that THIS WOULD SOON BE ME.  This would soon be my life.   Maybe part of my problem was that I would read the books and think, "Oh, but Happy won't do that.  Everyone that met her only talked about how sweet she is."  Or I would read the books and assume the authors were presenting the worst worse case scenarios that wouldn't pertain to us.  Or I would read the books and think, "We're ready...we know what we're getting into.  We're prepared.  Yes, it'll be hard for awhile, but it won't take Happy long to adjust.  We're all going love this girl and she'll be fine.  We can do this."  Sometimes I wish I could go back to that hopeful, naive mommy and shake her.  Hard.  :)

Here is a statement from page 114 of Wounded Children Healing Homes that I wholeheartedly agree with:  "The preparation many adoptive parents receive is often inadequate to prepare them for the challenges they will face.  Research repeatedly has found that inadequate training and preparation of prospective adoptive parents are predictors of crisis and disruption.  Further, supportive post-adoption services for families are noticeably lacking.  This is another predictor of adoption crisis and disruption."  I know too many families, mine included, for whom this is true.  I want to prevent adoption crisis.  I hear all too often (too, too often), "I didn't realize it was going to be like this."

Chapter two of Wounded Children Healing Homes deals with unmet expectations (myths) of adoption.  Let me share just a few that really resonated with me.  The statements in bold are common unrealistic expectations (myths) that 'must be adjusted or families may find themselves broadsided by shattered assumptions.'

1.  "Our love will be enough...Many adoptive parents who fall in love with a picture of a child begin a fantasy journey of what life will be like.  They believe that love will heal all wounds.  With that belief, they fail to hear the child's story and aren't open to the potential of how it might affect the family."

2.  "We will feel love and connection to this child quickly...A number of adoptive parents have been blindsided by how they feel about their child. They are caught by surprise at the lack of connection with their child and the negative emotions they feel.  They wonder what is wrong with them."

3.  "This child will step into our family system and easily learn how to function within our rules, goals and ambitions...When a family adopts an older child (as in, not an infant), expectations for the child to fit right into the family system and adapt to their goals and ambitions may be unrealistic.  Parents forget about barriers to a child's adjustment into the family."

4.  "Our biological children will embrace this new child as a sibling."  Chapter 6 discusses the impact that living with traumatized children has on siblings already in the family.  "Unlike a traumatized child, who is used to an ever-changing environment or mood, biological children have little or no coping skills for such a chaotic home life...Typically, adoptive parents have a good support network.  The biological children, however, usually lack an adequate network to provide them with positive support and help them develop effective coping skills."

5.  "We will never feel any regrets or ambivalence in adopting this child with a traumatic past...It is important for adoptive parents to know that these feelings are normal and common.  Experts agree that stress, depression, ambivalence, and anger are emotions they frequently see."

Okay, wow...this is much longer than I anticipated it would be.  I will continue on another page...stay tuned.

In the meantime, here is The List.  It was put together by a friend with input from many in our support group. This list is full of accurate behaviors you can expect from your post-institutionalized child.  What can't be predicted is how you'll react to them.

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10