The Rising Action

....So anyway, in January of this year, a very good friend of mine invited me to do a Bible study with her and a few other people through the book of Ephesians. I reluctantly agreed.  It was the BEST thing for me at that time. I learned so much. And somewhere along the way, my hardened heart softened and my love for God was renewed.

I was going through my notes recently and was kind of wowed about something I had written down. "If I am forgiven and have any measure of victory over sin in my life, I will be amazed at the power of God, ONLY IF I KNOW the indescribable depth and power of sin. Perhaps You have allowed the trials of the last 6 months so I will truly know the power of sin AND so I will truly KNOW Your immeasurable power." Here's my thought…what if God chose those of us who are really struggling for a wonderful purpose? We all know the power of sin SO well. I do, anyway. I was drowning in sin. If we TRULY KNOW the depth and power of sin (which I learned too well during our first 8 months home with Happy), how much MORE AMAZING is His POWER to save us! How much MORE WONDERFUL is His grace and forgiveness! Oh, I'm not doing this thought justice. Bear with me. It's like, because we are suffering in this way, we are closer to God's heart. If anyone understands the suffering, it is Him. (I am not trying to say that those of you who are NOT struggling are not close to God's heart…just that He uses different situations to get us there.)

I've gotta tell you, back in March I truly hit rock bottom. I just cried and cried. And then I got sick. Prince was out of town and I got a stomach bug. I can't even remember the last time I was so sick. Oh, I was miserable. And I was having those thoughts of being done with Happy and wanting to give her away. I just wanted to quit at everything. I KNOW lots of people were praying for me. Then I wrote a few blog posts about some issues with Happy and asked for input from my readers. That led Prince and I to many answers and we had a HUGE turnaround weekend with Happy. It was huge. I mean, huge. I wish I could explain the difference adequately. She was a new child. So, then we had several weeks that were pretty wonderful and full of bliss.  I was so incredibly thankful for each good day that we had.

So, one day still back in March, I was working on another Bible study and read Luke 22:31-32. I started bawling. It was sort of a promise, encouragement and mission all in one. I truly believed I was through the worst part of the struggle.

"Simon, Simon, behold, Satan demanded to have you, that he might sift you like wheat, but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers."

Satan demanded to have you…
Sift you like wheat…
Your faith may not fail…
When you have turned back…
STRENGTHEN YOUR SISTERS! (Okay, it says brothers, but sisters fits better for this.)

Man...I felt one with these verses. I DID feel like Satan had me. I really had not felt like myself for at least 6 months…until that day in March.

Sift you like wheat...yes, that's exactly what my experience felt like. I like how John Piper put it: "We can imagine a picture like this: Satan has a big sieve with jagged-edged wires forming a mesh with holes shaped like faithless men and women. What he aims to do is throw people into this sieve and shake them around over these jagged edges until they are so torn and weak and desperate that they let go of their faith and fall through the sieve as faithless people, right into Satan's company."

Torn and weak and desperate...yep, that was me.
Are you in the sieve right now?

Piper goes on to say: "Faith cannot fall through the mesh. It's the wrong shape. And so as long as the believers hold to their faith, trusting the power and goodness of God for their hope, then they will not fall through the mesh into Satan's hands. IT IS SATAN'S GOAL TO DESTROY OUR FAITH. If he can do it by suffering, he will try that…"

Friends, the enemy is trying to destroy your faith. HOLD ON!! FIGHT!! One thing God specifically told me several months ago is that joy WILL come. I believe He wants you to know that too.

Your faith may not fail...someone asked me one day how I have maintained my faith through all of this. Well, read those verses again. It's Jesus talking. "He prayed for (me) that (my) faith may not fail." No other reason is needed. Is that not hopeful?! He is praying for you!

When you have turned back...I'm not sure when I really did turn back to God. The first few days of the Ephesians study were hard for me to swallow. I was at the point where I would read my Bible as a bunch of threats instead of beautiful promises. It was hard to accept that God and His plan for me were good. It didn't seem that way to me.

Strengthen your sisters...hence, this blog. I am so burdened for those of you who I KNOW are suffering the way I did. And for those that I don't know about, because I'm pretty sure there are more. I am burdened for you. I want you to know that I am standing in the gap and praying for you. There were many, many months that I only had the energy to pray, "Lord, HELP!" Sometimes it was just, "Lord!" I know you are tired and so weary. I am praying. You are on my mind and heavy on my heart.

Stay tuned...what happened next was hard.  And good.