Something for Pre-Adoptive Parents
I am realizing that even though this blog is written to post-adoptive parents, many pre-adoptive parents are reading here too. So, this page is for you who are in the adoption process for the first time.
The purpose of this blog is not to scare you, but rather to be an encouragement and obviously to pray for so many struggling families out there. It's also to inform and educate. Please know that several adoptive mommas with WAY more experience and adoptions under their belts than me have told me that our experience with Happy has been 'intense' and 'extreme.' Although you can expect some negative behaviors from your child, I don't believe that raging is the norm. Doesn't that make you feel better? Take a deep breath. Seriously, don't let this blog cause you to panic. Rather, let this blog help better prepare you and your family for what's to come. Let this blog return you to the land of reality. The reality is that every adoption involves grief and heartache and brokenness. The reality is that every adoption also involves healing and restoration and redemption. Every adoption is beautiful. Every adoption is hard.
When we were in the process of bringing Happy home, I followed many blogs of families who had already brought kids home from Happy's country. I loved to read their stories of sunshine and rainbows and everyone was smiling and oh, so happy. Tears would fall as I rejoiced that everything was going so well for so many adoptive families. When we got home, I joined an online support group and discovered that many of these families were struggling in similar ways to how we were. It WASN'T all sunshine and roses everyday. Their kids were NOT adjusting well and easily. There WAS discord and chaos amongst the troops. But they chose to only blog about the happy, joyful, fairytale moments of their journey. So many people just don't want to talk publicly about the storms that rage before the rainbows come out. Maybe they don't want to embarrass their children or air their dirty laundry to the world. I do get that. I've prayed much about that with this blog. I do not want to disrespect any of my children in any way. As Happy grows up, will she be upset with me that I've shared so much with the world? Perhaps. It's entirely possible, and I am quite aware of that. But I am praying my heart out that she will see how much our story is ministering to other families. If not, then she can start her own blog and tell the world about all of my failures as her mom. (Insert smile.) Something else I hear a lot in the adoption world is that people are afraid they will dissuade, or rather, scare the heck out of families from adopting if they talk about the bad moments, the negative behaviors, the frustrations, etc.
But here's my opinion on that. If anyone had told Prince and I how our first 8 months were going to go down with Happy, we still would have done it. We knew she was ours. Nothing would have/could have stopped us. Nothing. I think adoptive families are pretty stubborn and strong-willed. I mean, if you make it through the homestudy AND the fundraising AND the dossier AND all the government red tape AND all the waiting, chances are pretty good that you've already been well tested in patience, perseverance and endurance. I would imagine that most, if not all, families in the adoption process for the first time are the way we were...just hopeful and naive enough to think that with lots of love and patience and prayer they'll have their new child(ren) whipped into shape in no time. Well, I'll let you know when WE reach 'in no time.' :)
I will tell you...when I learned that so many of my happy adoption bloggers were privately struggling, I was disheartened. Well actually, I was pretty angry. I felt like they had lied to me...betrayed me...tricked me...set me up for failure. Because so many of them seemed to have a "Happily Ever After" ending, my expectation was that our story would be similar. I mean, everyone who had met Happy described her as a 'happy, smiley, funny, sweet little girl.' So naturally we assumed we would come home with a happy, smiley, funny, sweet little girl. Instead we brought home a wild animal. Okay, not really. But some days she sure seemed like a wild animal. Now, I'm not saying that those happy bloggers lied, but they certainly didn't tell the whole truth. I myself didn't share all the gory details on our family blog, but I think everyone who read it knew that there was a lot of screaming and frustration going on in our home. One day in February, I even posted this. It was incredibly therapeutic to finally have a chuckle about our screaming situation.
I don't regret sharing anything that I did on our family blog. If anything, I'm so glad that I wrote about some of Happy's issues. I would always get helpful comments full of wisdom that would lead Prince and I to answers and suggestions on how to help her. It was because of my sharing publicly that we had that huge turnaround weekend with Happy.
I recently attended the amazing Together for Adoption conference. One thing that I heard repeatedly is that we MUST talk about the hard parts of adoption. We must talk about the hard on the FRONT END of adoption and not on the back end when families are in crisis. We MUST talk about the hard, friends. This blog was already in the works, it had been for weeks, but I wasn't positive that I'd actually have the guts to make it public. I came home from that conference fired up, to say the least. I discussed things with Prince and finally said, "YES, Lord. I will do it. I will talk about the hard."
So here I am. Talking about the hard of adoption. Praying for those in the middle of the hard.
Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Romans 5:3 - 5
"I have said these things to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world, you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." John 16:33
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