We brought Happy home from Eastern Europe in July 2011. It was supposed to be Happily Ever After from then on...right? All sunshine and rainbows as we ran through a field together holding hands, with joy and laughter upon our faces and in our hearts? Right? Because that's how every fairy tale ends, right?
Wrong. Well, not in our case anyway. Of course, our story is far from over.
I do believe our Happily Ever After is on the horizon. Finally!
I do believe our Happily Ever After is on the horizon. Finally!
Happy raged when we first came home. Well, she raged when we were still in Eastern Europe waiting to come home. Screaming, hitting, biting, scratching, pulling hair, throwing furniture. Thankfully she has CP and couldn't kick or I'm sure that would be in her repertoire as well. She used to pull out handfuls of my hair. I cried the first time she did it, not because of the pain, but because my hair is so thin anyway… and she pulled out a big ol' chunk. When we got home, Happy still raged, though not nearly as frequently. In EE, she was raging 6 – 8 times a day. When we finally got home, it was every few days...but sometimes for hours at a time. An improvement, yes, but still…I felt like a punching bag.
The first 8 months home were the hardest of my entire life. Hands down, no questions, no doubts. Happy brought things out in me that I never knew existed. Before we came home, I never dreamed that I wouldn't love Happy. Or that I wouldn't even like her. It made me sick to my stomach to hug her. I would almost choke on the words, "I love you, Happy." Needless to say, bonding with and attaching to Happy has not been easy. There are MANY books and resources out there about how to help your child attach to you. There's not much information about what to do if you don't like your child.
Back in March, when I was in the depths of the pit and depressed beyond measure, I told Prince that I felt like I lived with the enemy. And I had to take care of her and make her meals and give her baths and take her to all of her weekly appts., and pretend to care. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to run away in those first 8 months. I desperately wanted to find a new family for Happy. Desperately.
Now, I need to add here that my (first) downfall came right before we started to have a turnaround with Happy. It came out of the blue one day as I was stretching Happy. I discovered that she thought I had given birth to her, left her in Eastern Europe, and came back 6 years later to get her and bring her home. NO WONDER she had so much rage!
I was angry with God. Very, very angry. Very, very bitter. I felt like He had completely betrayed me and my family. I asked Him many, many times a day 'WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO MY FAMILY?! What did I do to deserve this??' I felt like He was punishing me for something. Yet I knew that couldn't be true because His Word says that children are a REWARD…not a consequence. I hardened my heart towards God and I could feel it. I didn't like it, but at the same time I couldn't help it. I didn't want to help it. I felt I had the right to be angry at Him. I mean, look at what He did to me and my family. And He says He loves me? WHATEVER! That was my attitude. What. Ever.
Now, perhaps some of you have not experienced what I'm sharing about. You may be tempted to judge and think or say awful things to or about me. Believe me, I've probably said to myself every rotten thing you're thinking. I've been appalled with myself. I ask you to chalk it up to something you just don't understand. AND BE THANKFUL that you don't understand this. I know for a fact that I am not the only one who is struggling with these thoughts and feelings. It's to those who get it that I am writing.
I promise I have a point and something encouraging to share. There is so much more I could share about the struggles, but I want to keep the bad part short so I can get to the good part. First I wanted you to know I GET IT. I get how hard it is and the desire to throw in the towel. I get the struggle and the guilt that goes along with all of it. I get the feelings of being ill-equipped for this enormous task. I get the hardship and suffering. The suffering. I was suffering big time. Ironically, my complete meltdown came shortly after listening to a sermon about suffering for the cause of Christ.
To be continued...
The first 8 months home were the hardest of my entire life. Hands down, no questions, no doubts. Happy brought things out in me that I never knew existed. Before we came home, I never dreamed that I wouldn't love Happy. Or that I wouldn't even like her. It made me sick to my stomach to hug her. I would almost choke on the words, "I love you, Happy." Needless to say, bonding with and attaching to Happy has not been easy. There are MANY books and resources out there about how to help your child attach to you. There's not much information about what to do if you don't like your child.
Back in March, when I was in the depths of the pit and depressed beyond measure, I told Prince that I felt like I lived with the enemy. And I had to take care of her and make her meals and give her baths and take her to all of her weekly appts., and pretend to care. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to run away in those first 8 months. I desperately wanted to find a new family for Happy. Desperately.
Now, I need to add here that my (first) downfall came right before we started to have a turnaround with Happy. It came out of the blue one day as I was stretching Happy. I discovered that she thought I had given birth to her, left her in Eastern Europe, and came back 6 years later to get her and bring her home. NO WONDER she had so much rage!
I was angry with God. Very, very angry. Very, very bitter. I felt like He had completely betrayed me and my family. I asked Him many, many times a day 'WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO MY FAMILY?! What did I do to deserve this??' I felt like He was punishing me for something. Yet I knew that couldn't be true because His Word says that children are a REWARD…not a consequence. I hardened my heart towards God and I could feel it. I didn't like it, but at the same time I couldn't help it. I didn't want to help it. I felt I had the right to be angry at Him. I mean, look at what He did to me and my family. And He says He loves me? WHATEVER! That was my attitude. What. Ever.
Now, perhaps some of you have not experienced what I'm sharing about. You may be tempted to judge and think or say awful things to or about me. Believe me, I've probably said to myself every rotten thing you're thinking. I've been appalled with myself. I ask you to chalk it up to something you just don't understand. AND BE THANKFUL that you don't understand this. I know for a fact that I am not the only one who is struggling with these thoughts and feelings. It's to those who get it that I am writing.
I promise I have a point and something encouraging to share. There is so much more I could share about the struggles, but I want to keep the bad part short so I can get to the good part. First I wanted you to know I GET IT. I get how hard it is and the desire to throw in the towel. I get the struggle and the guilt that goes along with all of it. I get the feelings of being ill-equipped for this enormous task. I get the hardship and suffering. The suffering. I was suffering big time. Ironically, my complete meltdown came shortly after listening to a sermon about suffering for the cause of Christ.
To be continued...
Thank you SO much for sharing about your struggles.
ReplyDeleteThis is going to help so many, it is helping me, and ultimately will help you and happy.
Standing with you as one who gets it.
gillian
LOVE hearing your heart and I can't wait to hear more about what God has been teaching you through this journey!! Thanks for being a voice to so many mommas. Blessings, Shelly
ReplyDeleteOh, I get it too! My eyes welled up with tears as I read about how you felt like you were living with the enemy and having to take care of her. It brought back so many emotions that I have felt and still feel sometimes. Then...you wrote about how Happy felt you had abandoned her and my focus turned to the pain in our children's lives.
ReplyDeleteSo much to struggle with and sort through! Thank you for sharing.
Amy,
ReplyDeleteI am confident that the Lord will use your transparency to reach many. It isn't until we truly have to rely on the Lord to be our EVERYTHING that He has room to actually become our Everything.
Know I prayed for you today.
Your sister in Christ,
Margo Wookey
Amy, well done my friend! As I was reading this I was so moved with compassion for you -- what an overwhelming time. THere is nothing that can prepare you for something like that. I am excited to read more. I so appreciate you being real and sharing your story. I love it that you said the story isn't over yet! Susan HIllis and I say that to each other all the time when things are rough with one of our children and it always brings hope, as I know it is true. Bless you Amy!
ReplyDeleteYour post reminded me of the Scripture 2 Corinthians 4:7. Often when I am handling an especially challenging day with our adopted child, I feel like not only am I an earthen vessel, I have become a cracked pot. You are not alone - many of us post adoption are dealing with similarly wounded children, AND the Holy Spirit is with us as we walk this pathway. I survive because of Him and have hope that my son will one day not only survive, but thrive. Prayers given for you and your family...
ReplyDeleteAdopting my first two children was like finding bio children who had somehow gotten lost....such gentle, helpful, loving and [mostly] compliant boys! My love for them was as huge and great and beyond belief as it was for my bio kids. I got cocky. Went for number three. All those rages.....
ReplyDeleteSince then I have discovered the meaning of true love. And, that acting out of love can create the feelings of love.
I warn you, and hope it may not be true for you, that puberty can create a total shift in dynamic. Just as I was congratulating myself again on being the most wonderful therapeutic parent I got slapped across the side of the head by puberty. But, it's like falling down a flight of stairs, you can get up and [painfully] start up the stairs again.... Medication was key in our situation. As well as trust, faith, prayer.