The Falling Action

If you haven't read The Climax, that leads into this.

So after all of that, I knew without a doubt that God wanted me to contribute something to the post adoption community.  As I prayed through what exactly I should do, a few ideas came to my mind.  The first was to write an adoption devotional. It's actually something that's been on my heart for almost two years.  I decided to set aside a day to seriously fast and pray and seek God's will about this specific question.  Should I write an adoption devotional?  Was that what He was telling me to do?  That very day, my friend Beth from Hope at Home, posted a link on Facebook.  Her link was to 31 Nuggets of Hope written by my new friend Shelly Roberts.  31 Nuggets of Hope is an adoption devotional!!  I haven't received my copy yet, but I cannot wait to read it!  If you have not "Liked" 31 Nuggets of Hope or Hope at Home on Facebook, please get connected with these two wonderful post adoption resources.  I also discovered that another adoption devotional will be available in December from Empowered to Connect.  I think it will be a perfect stocking stuffer, don't you?  I am SO very excited and thankful that others are realizing and meeting this need!

So, I felt pretty strongly that God had closed the door on writing the devotional.  I wasn't upset or anything.  I was very thankful for His leading and guidance.  I was even more thankful that I got to meet Shelly Roberts, attend her class AND have lunch with her at the Together for Adoption conference.  Shelly is real.  And she gets our post adoption struggles.

But I still knew I was supposed to do something.  At least I thought I knew I was supposed to do something.  I knew I was supposed to pray every day for struggling adoptive parents.  I had already been doing that for months.  But I also knew there were probably many more struggling adoptive parents out there besides the ones in my online support group.  How could I let those parents know they are not alone?  How could I tell them someone was praying for them every day?  Did I even need to?  Should I just pray and let that be that?   I knew the answer was that there was more to be done.  Even now, I don't think this blog is it.  But that's for later.

I was finally beginning to see that my struggles with Happy are a gift. My pastor preached an amazing sermon last month. I've listened to it several times already. I told him that day that he summed up my life the past 13 months in less than an hour. One thing that he said that really resonated with me was how we doubt the goodness of the Father. We don't believe that what He has given us is good. We complain about our struggles instead of seeing them as gifts. We don't like the gift, therefore we don't believe the Father. We buy into Satan's lies and doubt the goodness of the Father. We don't see how He is working the struggles and suffering for good, so we doubt and we complain. I did this all year. I have doubted. I have cried. I have complained. I have cried. I have questioned. I have cried. BUT, I finally began to see how this past year truly is a gift from God. I knew God was showing me how He will use this ridiculous past year for His good. For His glory. To minister to others.

The idea of this blog came to me and I began to pray about it.  I asked God several times if this is what I should do.  One day I was alone in Prince's car for almost an hour. Normally when I'm alone in the car, I blast the radio and sing until I'm hoarse. Well, Prince's radio was not working (just add it to the list). So, instead of singing I began praying. Mostly about where God was leading and what exactly He wanted me to do.  Was He REALLY asking me to share my story?  Publicly?  On a blog?  Where the whole world could read it?  That very day, I came home to the following message from a friend in my support group.  I was absolutely blown away by what she shared.  I hope you are too.

"Sometimes we wonder WHY? WHY did God pull a “bait and switch” on us and leave us reeling as our children struggle with diagnoses of which we were unaware, and behaviors we cannot explain, and issues we cannot decipher let alone parent...

We said we would travel across the ocean. We raised a lot of money, sacrificing our pride and sometimes our credit rating. We left our other children at home. We lost friends, alienated family, and left many in our churches and schools thinking we were “out there” for what we were choosing to take on. Wasn’t that enough for God? Wasn’t it enough that we went THAT FAR out of our comfort zones? Couldn’t the drama (PLEASE) end with Gotcha Day and the rainbows and sunshine commence as we carried our precious babies out of their orphanages for the last time?

For weeks I’ve been meaning to send a message to Amy – the struggles she has had with [Happy] – despite the signs, the unquestionable affirmations from God that THIS child was meant for HER family – and yet here Amy is, a year later, struggling to bond, feeling defeated. I was going to send her a message privately – but today I was convinced I needed to post it here instead.

Raise your hand if Amy has ministered to you in the year since [Happy] has come home...

In Amy’s case, I believe THIS is why she has been asked to struggle so. God gave Amy an incredible burden so that WE could be blessed with Amy’s amazing gift. And just like she said YES to God’s will regarding [Happy], Amy said YES when she was prompted to minister to so many of us in our struggles. 

(I mean, think about it, Amy – if you had gotten the “rainbows and sunshine” story – would you have been able to lift up any of us who struggled with tantrums, control issues, children with irrational fears, etc.? I mean, I know you, I know you would have prayed for us – you are that kind of friend – but I’m talking the LIFTING UP, the UNCEASING PRAYER, the COMPLETE AND TOTAL UNDERSTANDING AND EMPATHY.)

Without Amy’s struggles, without Amy’s cross, so many of us would have faced a much lonelier road." 

Um...is that not confirming?  Did you all hear God's YES as you read that?  Well, I heard His YES.  He answered YES to all of my above questions.  I do not believe it's a coincidence that my friend meant to share this with me for weeks...but didn't until the very day I specifically asked God about this blog.  I wish I could tell you all the other little ways that God has confirmed this blog to me.  He has spoken to me through so many different people, it's just been amazing.  Sharing what I have so far has NOT been easy.  After I posted The Rising Action, I felt waves of panic throughout the day.  I kept thinking, "OHMYGOODNESSWHATHAVEIDONE?!"  I wanted to throw up.  But I received so many encouraging, confirming messages that day.  I was overwhelmed with His peace.

I have one more post to share with you about my story...The Conclusion...and then I'll get to the heart and purpose of this blog.  Sharing my prayers with you.  I cannot wait to see and hear how God works in the lives of your children and families!  I hope you're excited too...it's going to be GOOD!  But don't take my word for it...

And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints, according to the will of God.  And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.  Romans 8:27 - 28

 

Monday's Music

I heard from so many of you this past week who are feeling like God has abandoned you on this journey.  Oh friends, I remember so well those thoughts and feelings.  I wish so desperately that I could hug you and cry with you.  If I could, I would hand you a box of Kleenex and a big bag of M & M's.  I would look you straight in the eye and tell you that you. are. not. alone.  Please, please, PLEASE hear me.  You are NOT alone.  Ever.  Please listen to this song today.  If you're like me when I was in the pit, I know you don't want to hear it right now.  I know you don't believe it.  But PLEASE play this song. Listen to the words.  Not for a moment, friends.  Not for a moment did He forsake you.

It is the Lord who goes before you.  He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you.  Do not fear or be dismayed.  Deuteronomy 31:8

For the Lord will not forsake His people; He will not abandon His heritage.  Psalm 94:14

And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know, in paths that they have not known I will guide them.  I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground.  These are the things I do,  and I do not forsake them.  Isaiah 42:16

 

The Climax

If you have not read the Setting the Stage and The Rising Action posts, please do.  This will make more sense if you start there.

I was clearly not through the worst of it.

Not by a long shot.

The pit would consume me once again.

As we approached our one year anniversary home with Happy, like many adoptive parents do, I read through our family blog and reminisced of our time in Eastern Europe.  I laughed at some memories and cried with others.  I remembered certain things that I purposefully did not share on the blog.  You know, the real things.  I did feel the darkness begin to envelope me as I read over the blog, but I did not connect the two.  I began to really hate my life. I cried all the time. The thought of doing one more thing completely stressed me out. I would wake up at 2 or 3 every morning and not be able to go back to sleep. This had been going on for months.  I was exhausted.  I was so tense. All the time. My smile and laughter were forced. I had no joy and felt no peace. My thoughts began to scare me, especially during PMS. Happy's one year home anniversary triggered many bad, ugly, dark thoughts and feelings for me. Very, very bad, irrational, scary thoughts. They scared the dickens out of me. I knew I needed help. I knew it was beyond depression. A friend of mine sent me a message and asked if she could put a friend of hers in touch with me about adopting from the same country we adopted Happy from. I actually told my friend 'no' because all I wanted to tell her friend was 'DON'T DO IT! It will ruin your life and family!'

Anyhow, I finally saw a professional, cried my eyeballs out with her, answered a gazillion questions and was diagnosed with PTSD. I do not doubt the diagnosis at all, but admittedly I am still having a hard time with it. I'm embarrassed that a 6 year old brought me to this. I'm almost ashamed, which is probably why I've only told a handful of people up until now. But the fact is, our first 6 - 8 months home with Happy were hell on earth. Several times a week for sometimes several hours at a time, Happy would hit me, bite me, scratch me, pull my hair, SCREAM, etc. I hate to call it abuse because she was a traumatized kid and I know her intent was not to abuse me in an abuser kind of way...does that make sense? HOWEVER, if I had done those things to her, it would be called abuse. So, she did these things to me and I was supposed to love her. I had to take care of her...make her meals, bathe her, take her to her many appts., stretch her, etc. I was supposed to care about this little girl. And I didn't. I did these things because I knew I was supposed to. I had no other motivation. Inside, I just wanted Happy to go away.  I think there is nothing more humbling than having to take care of the person who abuses you. Well, actually, there is nothing more humbling than collecting poop samples from the one who abuses you.  (Can anyone relate?)  I resented Happy and her being here.  My three big kids were hiding out downstairs in the boys room more and more to avoid listening to the screaming.  I feel like I hardly saw them those first 8 months.  I missed them terribly.  And they missed me.  I'm sure that made me resent Happy even more.

Enter antidepressants.  I was hesitant to go on the antidepressants after a bad experience about 10 years ago, but my doctor gave me something different. She prescribed Celexa and it has changed my life. Truly. We spent a few weeks adjusting and figuring out the right dosage, and I could feel myself coming back.  I am ME again.  But a much more humble, thankful, JOYful me.  I can't wait to get to my next few posts and share about everything God has done for me in the past few months.  I can honestly, wholeheartedly say that the joy I have now is completely worth the suffering it took to get here.  I want you all to hear that.  Especially if you're still in the pit right now.  The suffering was for my good.  My suffering brought about GREAT joy.  It was worth it.  Just saying that makes giant tears roll down my cheeks.  It was worth it.

It was worth it.  The suffering for the joy.  It will be worth it for you, too, friends.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.  Romans 8:18

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you. 1 Peter 5:10

So, let me say, if you don't feel like yourself anymore, if you're having dark thoughts, PLEASE see your doctor or some type of professional...counselor, psychiatrist, social worker...someone.  Post Adoption Depression and PTSD are more common than people realize.  I am convinced of this.  Know that there is HOPE.  Know that you are NOT alone in this.  Know that I am praying for you.

 

The Rising Action

....So anyway, in January of this year, a very good friend of mine invited me to do a Bible study with her and a few other people through the book of Ephesians. I reluctantly agreed.  It was the BEST thing for me at that time. I learned so much. And somewhere along the way, my hardened heart softened and my love for God was renewed.

I was going through my notes recently and was kind of wowed about something I had written down. "If I am forgiven and have any measure of victory over sin in my life, I will be amazed at the power of God, ONLY IF I KNOW the indescribable depth and power of sin. Perhaps You have allowed the trials of the last 6 months so I will truly know the power of sin AND so I will truly KNOW Your immeasurable power." Here's my thought…what if God chose those of us who are really struggling for a wonderful purpose? We all know the power of sin SO well. I do, anyway. I was drowning in sin. If we TRULY KNOW the depth and power of sin (which I learned too well during our first 8 months home with Happy), how much MORE AMAZING is His POWER to save us! How much MORE WONDERFUL is His grace and forgiveness! Oh, I'm not doing this thought justice. Bear with me. It's like, because we are suffering in this way, we are closer to God's heart. If anyone understands the suffering, it is Him. (I am not trying to say that those of you who are NOT struggling are not close to God's heart…just that He uses different situations to get us there.)

I've gotta tell you, back in March I truly hit rock bottom. I just cried and cried. And then I got sick. Prince was out of town and I got a stomach bug. I can't even remember the last time I was so sick. Oh, I was miserable. And I was having those thoughts of being done with Happy and wanting to give her away. I just wanted to quit at everything. I KNOW lots of people were praying for me. Then I wrote a few blog posts about some issues with Happy and asked for input from my readers. That led Prince and I to many answers and we had a HUGE turnaround weekend with Happy. It was huge. I mean, huge. I wish I could explain the difference adequately. She was a new child. So, then we had several weeks that were pretty wonderful and full of bliss.  I was so incredibly thankful for each good day that we had.

So, one day still back in March, I was working on another Bible study and read Luke 22:31-32. I started bawling. It was sort of a promise, encouragement and mission all in one. I truly believed I was through the worst part of the struggle.

"Simon, Simon, behold, Satan demanded to have you, that he might sift you like wheat, but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers."

Satan demanded to have you…
Sift you like wheat…
Your faith may not fail…
When you have turned back…
STRENGTHEN YOUR SISTERS! (Okay, it says brothers, but sisters fits better for this.)

Man...I felt one with these verses. I DID feel like Satan had me. I really had not felt like myself for at least 6 months…until that day in March.

Sift you like wheat...yes, that's exactly what my experience felt like. I like how John Piper put it: "We can imagine a picture like this: Satan has a big sieve with jagged-edged wires forming a mesh with holes shaped like faithless men and women. What he aims to do is throw people into this sieve and shake them around over these jagged edges until they are so torn and weak and desperate that they let go of their faith and fall through the sieve as faithless people, right into Satan's company."

Torn and weak and desperate...yep, that was me.
Are you in the sieve right now?

Piper goes on to say: "Faith cannot fall through the mesh. It's the wrong shape. And so as long as the believers hold to their faith, trusting the power and goodness of God for their hope, then they will not fall through the mesh into Satan's hands. IT IS SATAN'S GOAL TO DESTROY OUR FAITH. If he can do it by suffering, he will try that…"

Friends, the enemy is trying to destroy your faith. HOLD ON!! FIGHT!! One thing God specifically told me several months ago is that joy WILL come. I believe He wants you to know that too.

Your faith may not fail...someone asked me one day how I have maintained my faith through all of this. Well, read those verses again. It's Jesus talking. "He prayed for (me) that (my) faith may not fail." No other reason is needed. Is that not hopeful?! He is praying for you!

When you have turned back...I'm not sure when I really did turn back to God. The first few days of the Ephesians study were hard for me to swallow. I was at the point where I would read my Bible as a bunch of threats instead of beautiful promises. It was hard to accept that God and His plan for me were good. It didn't seem that way to me.

Strengthen your sisters...hence, this blog. I am so burdened for those of you who I KNOW are suffering the way I did. And for those that I don't know about, because I'm pretty sure there are more. I am burdened for you. I want you to know that I am standing in the gap and praying for you. There were many, many months that I only had the energy to pray, "Lord, HELP!" Sometimes it was just, "Lord!" I know you are tired and so weary. I am praying. You are on my mind and heavy on my heart.

Stay tuned...what happened next was hard.  And good.

 

Setting the Stage

I thought would spend a few days telling my story so you can get to know me a bit...feel free to browse around and check out my pages.

We brought Happy home from Eastern Europe in July 2011.  It was supposed to be Happily Ever After from then on...right? All sunshine and rainbows as we ran through a field together holding hands, with joy and laughter upon our faces and in our hearts?  Right? Because that's how every fairy tale ends, right?

Wrong.  Well, not in our case anyway.  Of course, our story is far from over.
I do believe our Happily Ever After is on the horizon.  Finally!

Happy raged when we first came home.  Well, she raged when we were still in Eastern Europe waiting to come home. Screaming, hitting, biting, scratching, pulling hair, throwing furniture. Thankfully she has CP and couldn't kick or I'm sure that would be in her repertoire as well. She used to pull out handfuls of my hair. I cried the first time she did it, not because of the pain, but because my hair is so thin anyway… and she pulled out a big ol' chunk.  When we got home, Happy still raged, though not nearly as frequently. In EE, she was raging 6 – 8 times a day. When we finally got home, it was every few days...but sometimes for hours at a time. An improvement, yes, but still…I felt like a punching bag.

The first 8 months home were the hardest of my entire life. Hands down, no questions, no doubts.  Happy brought things out in me that I never knew existed. Before we came home, I never dreamed that I wouldn't love Happy. Or that I wouldn't even like her. It made me sick to my stomach to hug her. I would almost choke on the words, "I love you, Happy." Needless to say, bonding with and attaching to Happy has not been easy.  There are MANY books and resources out there about how to help your child attach to you.  There's not much information about what to do if you don't like your child.

Back in March, when I was in the depths of the pit and depressed beyond measure, I told Prince that I felt like I lived with the enemy. And I had to take care of her and make her meals and give her baths and take her to all of her weekly appts., and pretend to care. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to run away in those first 8 months.  I desperately wanted to find a new family for Happy.  Desperately.

Now, I need to add here that my (first) downfall came right before we started to have a turnaround with Happy.  It came out of the blue one day as I was stretching Happy.  I discovered that she thought I had given birth to her, left her in Eastern Europe, and came back 6 years later to get her and bring her home. NO WONDER she had so much rage!

I was angry with God. Very, very angry. Very, very bitter.  I felt like He had completely betrayed me and my family. I asked Him many, many times a day 'WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO MY FAMILY?! What did I do to deserve this??' I felt like He was punishing me for something. Yet I knew that couldn't be true because His Word says that children are a REWARD…not a consequence. I hardened my heart towards God and I could feel it. I didn't like it, but at the same time I couldn't help it. I didn't want to help it. I felt I had the right to be angry at Him. I mean, look at what He did to me and my family. And He says He loves me? WHATEVER! That was my attitude. What. Ever.

Now, perhaps some of you have not experienced what I'm sharing about. You may be tempted to judge and think or say awful things to or about me. Believe me, I've probably said to myself every rotten thing you're thinking. I've been appalled with myself. I ask you to chalk it up to something you just don't understand. AND BE THANKFUL that you don't understand this. I know for a fact that I am not the only one who is struggling with these thoughts and feelings. It's to those who get it that I am writing.

I promise I have a point and something encouraging to share. There is so much more I could share about the struggles, but I want to keep the bad part short so I can get to the good part. First I wanted you to know I GET IT. I get how hard it is and the desire to throw in the towel. I get the struggle and the guilt that goes along with all of it. I get the feelings of being ill-equipped for this enormous task. I get the hardship and suffering. The suffering. I was suffering big time. Ironically, my complete meltdown came shortly after listening to a sermon about suffering for the cause of Christ.

To be continued...